What is it Like to Be a God

I’ve written of divine surrender. My beloved and I have worked to call the god and goddess into ourselves and surrender to them in that sacred joining. I discussed how as that work progressed, we found that we were not always bringing in the divine, but sometimes we reached into ourselves and found that we were already the god and goddess.. I would like to capture a recent ritual in which I offered myself to the god within and let him loose. Capturing this in a blog is hard. I hope I can at least capture the sense of mystery and encourage others to find their own divinity.

It starts with a crown

NOT SUPPORTED: image without src attribute BEGIN: {img type="fileId" fileId="2" thumb="y" rel="box[g]" alt="Sam in Crown"} :END I am DJing for a dance party at Beltane this year and I wanted to get a costume for it. Dove talked about an antler crown she made for a priest we both know. Since I have been working on embracing the inner god, I thought that might be an interesting symbol to work with. Ebay was having a special on bulk deer antlers, so I commissioned a crown.

Looking back I’m realizing that somewhere along the way it have transitioned from simply an outfit into a ritual item. I don't rightly know where that happened: I always considered the crown as a symbol of the horned god. I wanted to wear it in part to evoke that and in part to give myself some inner focus. However at least at the beginning I was not thinking of this as a charged ritual item.

In our house we have a rule that we need to have a place for something before buying it. When Rena and I talked about where the crown could go, we talked about putting it on the altar between the Goddess of Abundance (our fountain) and Venus. So, by that point, while I had not noticed, it had already taken on ritual significance.

Dove called me to ask about an orniment. There was a blank space and she was wondering if there was some symbol I wanted there. One of the important aspects of Venus art is that the art is not all one thing. In the Venus skulptures, flame is an important symbol even though that is connected with the consort not the goddess.

I thought that preserving the mirror of that principle here would be good. I asked about some goddess symbol to acknowledge that there is an aspect of the goddess inside the god just as there is an aspect of the god inside the goddess.

“I could put a Venus on the crown,” Dove said.

Sure, why not. I was thinking of something fairly subtle, but Venus had her own ideas. The crown is still very masculine, and is very definitely a god symbol, but Venus had her say.

Energy of the God

On the ride home after picking up the crown, I was already talking about charging it energetically. Dove said that she had not added any energy of her own. Although when pressed on the issue after I described the intensity of connection wearing the crown before any ritual work, she admitted that while she did not add energy of her own, Venus might perhaps have moved through her in a big way while making it.

I'll say! I was asking Dove about energy because I found that even from my first interaction with the crown it was powerful. I put it on and tried to get used to wearing it and how it changed my movement.

At first I didn't notice anything. But even within a few minutes I noticed some small changes in how I interacted with the world.

The god is more present with his emotions. Feelings boil up and are more immediate. There's lust of course and the desire to mark and claim.

Reading news and discussions of politics and harassment was a huge mistake that night. I felt irritation: tension with no release. Perhaps I might feel this any day, but my capacity to think and to use any tools other than feeling my feelings at their strongest was diminished. So I was irritated, and there was no release. There was no one to challenge; fighting would not bring my part of the world back into alignment.

The increased lust effects lasted for a few hours even after removing the crown. So did the irritation about all the things I noticed that were entirely outside my control.

Towards Charging the Crown

I decided that I would actually do some ritual work to formally charge the crown and honor it (and the god) as part of my ritual tools.

I wasn’t thinking about a lot of planning. I would create space and ask my beloved to meet me as the goddess and help me find the god inside. Together we could charge and sanctify the crown.

Ritual outfit

In order to approach the god within myself, I want to feel sexy. I want to feel strong and confident.

It is not often that I feel enhanced by an outfit. I’m used to making my own confidence and living in my skin enough that clothes don’t seem to matter. Also, because I am blind, it is harder for me to approach it deeply.

NOT SUPPORTED: image without src attribute BEGIN: {img fileId="4" thumb="y" rel="box[g]"} :END The outfit I wore with the crown is an exception. It was also made by Dove as a costume for an adult party. I came as Cupid. The wings add a sense of magic. I feel power when I put them on. The rest is sexy in a way that naked simply can't match. The leather skirt gives a primal feel but even with the loin cloth, I feel on display.

Of course, for this ritual, I was not wearing the loin cloth. Without it, my cock and balls are framed by the skirt. It is both erotic and vulnerable.

Then I placed the crown on my head. Gone was Cupid caught between eternal innocence and the erotic. There I was with something itching between my eyes.

I reached within myself and tried to find the god within. I knew I was worthy; I knew we all have a spark of the divine within ourselves. At least within my mind I knew these things. From time to time I have felt them in my heart. My goal as to find that within myself and let that energy circle through the crown. My energy would meet the primal energy of the stag whose horns I wore and the energy of the making.

That itching between my head opened up. I tossed my horns and went to find my goddess.

Who is the Goddess

The most important thing to understand about the goddess is that she is strong. We talk about a chase in which the god pursues her and eventually captures her and joins with her. In our culture, that sounds like something of patriarchal power—perhaps even something of questionable consent.

But the goddess is strong. She has the power. She knows exactly what will happen when he captures her and it makes her wet. If it didn’t, she would not even be there. Or looked at another way, he chases her through her woods; through life she has nurtured to create a space in which to be chased. Far enough back, the goddess and god were the same. He became distinct so he could chase her—so she could be captured. Polarity became so there could be love.

Many people who realize the goddess is strong stop there; they stop when they realize that she chooses the capture just as he chooses the chase. She is much stronger than that. She is strong enough to give herself to him in divine surrender. He can take her fully without diminishing her. She is so strong that she can offer herself fully without lessening the sacred power of her offer. She will give herself more fully than any patriarch could hope for from his ideal woman, but not from a position of being forced but rather from her divine strength.

So if she will give herself, why the chase?

The chase is for the god to find his strength and prove it to himself. When he captures her, he needs to be strong enough to accept her gift. Saying he needs to be worthy is perhaps part of it. He needs to be divine in his own right so he can take her without diminishing either of them. He doesn’t need to subjugate her. She will offer everything. He isn’t lesser through accepting her; the goddess does not ‘settle’ for the god. They are both divine. The chase is there for him to realize this truth.

I Scent my Goddess

I enter the ritual space. The circle, such as it is is already cast. She awaits me.

I can feel her energy. I’m reminded of the first time I met Venus. She entered the space and my entire focus was drawn to her, lightning running up and down my back. It’s like that, except that I am an active participant in the energy. I may be the source of the lightning.

Words fall from her mouth. They are symbols of love, but beyond that I cannot comprehend them. I have gone beyond words to a place of energy and feeling. She must understand. I motion with my hand. The energy stretches taught between us. I cannot find words to listen or speak.

She does understand; she comes to me. For the second time in my life, I hold out my arms in a place of power and a goddess fills them. I have entered a place of touch and smell. I scent my goddess.

She tells me that I am the god; I am divine. Of course I am. Finally, I regain words just in time to tell her that I honor her and see her beauty. We anoint each other with magic we prepared over a year of sabbats and she offers herself to me.

She does not need to be chased. She knows that for me, the interesting chase was inside my head. I needed to find the god and accept that I am he. I am!

She is mine. Her body is lush, her musk erotic. I need her. We fumble for a bit. I’m not used to having horns.

She is under me with my wings spread behind us as I fill her. She is unbelievably wet: she needs me as much as I need her. My world is her smell, the smoothness of her skin, and the warmth of our joining. I take her hand and guide it to my horn. It is electric: energy loops up through my core, through our joining, through her, and back through my horn to me. It is spiritual; it is ecstatic. Our love and our divinity flow through us building ever higher. She crests again and again; the waves fill me.

I am in the moment with the physicality of my very male need. I need to rut, to fuck, to come. I need to fill her; I need to claim her and make her mine. As I accept the moment, my rutting becomes a counterpoint to our devine energy. I am animal. I rut frantically. I am every stag who has ever rushed to mount his doe and find the quickest release. I am every adolescent fresh on the discovery of the appropriate use of their hand. And I know that no matter how much I want my release, I will not find it. As I accept that moment; as I accept the god, I find the sweet joy of that sweet pursuit of the carnal.

Eventually I’ve had enough and am ready to find my completion. I will miss her hands exploring my body as my horns frame her face. This is wonderful, but it is not primal enough. I need to mount her.

We reposition. My legs spread hers and I enter her. It’s the same frantic rutting, but now, with my hand in her hair, I have claimed her. Now, there is a hill to climb, and at the end, release!

We are blessed. We bless ourselves. We bless love. We bless lust. It’s all sacred, whether it is the goddess releasing the god so love can be born, or two people meeting in their animal need for a quick fuck. Each of these is different; each coupling unique. But by embracing the spectrum, we bless them all.

Coming Home.

I am the god. His contentment fills me. My goddess is beside me. The thundering of my heart slows.

I remove the crown. I feel hollow. Something deep within me rises and says, “I am Sam.” Time passes. I open my mouth and say it again: “I am Sam.” With my name I reclaim that other part of myself.

I’ve never been that deep before where coming back was a challenge. I’m proud to have opened that much. I am particularly proud to have opened that much to something I found within myself. Often I find it easier to submerge when I host something outside.

Well, as they say, we had powerful medicine. With all that energy running through the crown, it’s certainly charged. When I need the god, or he needs me, the next time will be easier.

I give thanks!