In the last post, I talked about how my beloved and I have become closer to each other. Our work has also brought us closer to the divine. I've had critical breakthroughs in how I approach Venus and my own spirituality.
Of course this story is deeply personal. However, it is also a story of prayer answered, the deep love the gods have for us, and the long winding path that is growth as a lover. I hope you will find a deeper appreciation for the complexity that is spiritual growth and our struggle to find something bigger than ourselves. Perhaps you will be able to see important steps along your path as I talk about mine.
Talking to the Gods
It's worth taking a brief diversion to explore what I mean when I talk about communicating with the gods. Everyone's experience is different. These days, most of what I hear from Venus is just thoughts or words within my head that have somewhat of a Venus feel to them. It's easier if I clear my mind with dance or meditation. Sometimes I'll get something that feels like it is bigger than myself but is not something I can clearly identify as a connection to Venus.
At the other end of the spectrum is drawing down or possession. We can invite the gods into ourselves. When I watch someone who has drawn a god, I typically see changes in personality or behavior. The specifics are very dependent on the gods involved. Confidence, a tendency to speak with authority about the future, and deep knowledge of our inner selves are common. Energetically there is often a presence; at my first Venus ritual, when she entered the space, my entire focus was drawn to her. It was almost an electrical tension. That was an extreme, but there is sometimes something of that effect for me.
There’s a spectrum of drawing down—a spectrum of how dominant the host is compared to the spirit. Is someone sitting on your shoulder, speaking into your ear? Alternately, are they speaking through your mouth? Or have you stepped aside entirely, offering your body and watching from a distance?
Unsurprisingly, the host’s memory of the experience is cloudy and tends to fade over time. What’s interesting is that to a lesser extent, most people present at such an experience have some accelerated memory fading. Some specific emotions, concepts or phrases may burn themselves into your memory brighter than the experience of your normal life. However, other details of the experience are often clouded even a few days later.
Our Journey Begins
Long before I placed my collar around her neck, we talked about the role of spirituality and the divine in our surrender. She wasn't sure that she could surrender to me, but she could definitely surrender to the goddess and offer herself to me in getting closer to that. As she wrote:
>…to expand one's life to its divine edges, uplift the person exalting you and then surrender in love and trust to them knowing that you're actually surrendering to the Universe. Wow.
That resonated with me. Surrender offers the opportunity to strip away layers of self. As I accept surrender, we have the opportunity to examine each layer that we fold back. I can offer a mirror as together we focus on and honor each layer we strip away. It is a small step from that to honoring the goddess within. As the layers fall aside and we approach our core self, that mirror becomes a powerful tool for acknowledging and honoring the gift of the surrender.
Of course the mirror is two-way. As I accept someone's surrender, they offer me a view into myself.
When we surrender from strength, we can use this as an opportunity to reflect our strength, beauty and even the imminent deity within ourselves. The power of the experience gives us deeper connection both with ourselves and those involved in the experience.
And so our journey of surrender and possession became a spiritual journey too. We use the work we do to get closer to the divine. Part of this work is continued mindfulness and respecting the gift of surrender and the connection we find. At the beginning, I assumed that is all we were doing: we would surrender, find each layer of beauty within, and offer that as a testament to the goddess's joy.
My beloved and her goddess had different ideas. As we were planning our first Beltane, we joined. I held space for her. I honored the beauty and love I found. In that space, she surrendered, and her goddess accepted the offered vessel. I am amazed at how easy it is for her to drawn down and accept the company of a goddess. In that moment, the goddess was fierce and bright. She was there to give “just a preview” of the journey we began. She approached me sexually with a strength and command alien to my beloved but familiar from previous interactions of the divine. After, we basked in our closeness and the unmistakable blessing we found. I was excited and a little frightened. If, as the goddess had so forcefully insisted, this was only a preview, what would the real experience be like?
We had begun a new phase of the journey. From time to time one or both of us would find that we had called and opened ourselves to something bigger. We accepted this divinity into ourselves and met in the grace we were offered. From my perspective, there was much less of the surrender to each other when our spirits met this way. However the work we did within our DS relationship prepared us: we were more comfortable being vulnerable and more open to accepting love.
Beltane
At Beltane, her goddess returned, meeting us in the Temple of Passion. She spoke of how across the ages and lives, I called to her, and how she was always there to answer. I was shocked: I had heard this before. The phrasing and the words felt like they were right out of Venus’s response to the consort from the Fires of Venus ritual opening. My beloved never attended a FOV event.
As our passion faded, we found ourselves offering healing to someone we met at the event. Our magics blended together. It was very different from the work I tend to do on my own. I tend to work with people to let them say what they need: having the other person ask is critical for a lot of what I do. She is guided by intuition and experience. Together, well, that was something.
Claiming my Beloved
In the coming months, I found myself struggling with dominance and the divine. Previously, when we found the divine, we tended to be surrendering more to the experience as a whole than establishing a DS dynamic between us.
However, as our DS dynamic expanded, I found that it was more rare that we would find something explicitly of the divine in our lovemaking. I rejoiced in claiming her. I rejoiced in accepting everything she offered and celebrating it.
Yet I didn’t call to the goddess in her as I claimed her. I certainly did offer the experience as an act of worship. The goddess who came to us before Beltane was big, larger than life. She didn’t seem like someone who would take kindly to being claimed. She didn’t seem someone I was worthy to claim.
However, this was an important phase. My beloved was growing comfortable surrendering to me. I was growing comfortable accepting her surrender. It was a beautiful celebration of the lover and beloved meeting each other.
My Lord
As our DS dynamic expanded, I decided I needed a title. I needed a way for her to address me and affirm the dynamic. “Master” didn’t accurately describe what we were. She doesn’t like “sir”.
She asked how I liked “my lord”. I imagined it in the best sense of a feudal lord: her service in exchange for my support and protection. She would be mine to use in building something greater—mine to protect so she could grow. She saw things the same way. That seemed a very big title, but big has been the hallmark of our relationship.
When I asked for a title, I didn’t anticipate it being used sexually. We were fucking, and the energy was building. She offered herself to me as “my lord.” I called to her as my vassal, claimed her physically and spiritually.
I opened myself, and there was a god waiting to step in. He called to her goddess. This was no egalitarian joining. No, this was the god claiming his prize after a long hunt. I don’t really remember much besides the intensity and the joy.
The goddess is big and strong. But so is my beloved. She surrenders from strength. When the goddess enters the hunt, she knows how the horned god will meet her. That has been part of the story from the beginning of time. And so, accepting the title led to a merging of our DS work and the journey to find the divine within.
We are Love
I’ve had a long time struggling to accept the personal regard of Venus or any other god. This is not unusual; in his dream, Chuck talks of his struggle to accept her positive regard. I attended a ritual in which Venus and Aphrodite were both drawn so we could better understand them both. My initial reaction was to be amazed at the ritual, except for one minor part. When Venus chose to speak to me, I was sure that the person hosting was leaking through way too much. How could Venus have such a personal connection to me? Sure, I had that kind of connection to her, but her picture painted was positive and deeply connected. I didn’t have any doubts when she displayed the same level of connection to others present.
It took me a couple of days to realize that my own fears and doubts got in the way of me connecting with my goddess. Why shouldn’t she have developed a relationship as deep and filled with love as I developed with her?
The spiritual journey we’ve embarked on has brought me even closer. One day, I realized that as her lord, I was calling to my beloved, claiming her goddess, asking for her surrender. Previously, when I’d been claiming her like that, I had at least partially submerged myself into something within, as if I called to a spark of the divine within, and let that flow forth to call to her goddess. It felt within myself yet separate from myself. But that day, there was me alone.
What was I doing? Had I found some new path to hubris? Was I despoiling the beautiful celebration and connection we found?
If so how? I found the same sense of awe and joy. I had confidence that the connection was real. I accepted her divine surrender just as I had done before. Part of me felt like a fraud. But the greater part was focused on the joy, awe and connection.
I thought back to Beltane, and the goddess who spoke of answering when she was called across the ages. Yes, that was the goddess speaking to the consort, but that was also the goddess to the very personal me covered in the sweat of our joining, holding her in that temple. So, I found myself facing the third truth: “You are Love.” The lover and beloved exist within each of us. That love that drives us is the same divine love that separates the god from the goddess that they might know and love each other. As Pat writes, “one of our central mysteries, that we are all Venus.”
It’s hard to accept myself as love. It’s so big. And yet if anything is a despoilment, I have come to believe it would be denying the power of the love I have to bring; denying myself as the goddess’s perfect child. I can truly be that spark—truly accept it as myself only in moments. Yet my beloved has given her lord that; to honor her, I needed to accept myself and see me as Venus would. Anything less would be unworthy of what she offers.
It all circles back. I was talking to her about what she had challenged me to accept. I let my mind drift back to that first Fires of Venus when I heard the goddess respond to the consort. My mind drifted to my dedication and my offer of service to Venus. I said I would walk her path and help bring her temple into the world so that the lover and beloved could circle each other. Be careful what you offer the gods; they are like to accept. And having offered, of course I was called to actually take on the role of the lover. For how could we have such a temple without a lover, and how could I build it if I were unprepared to step into those roles?
Give Thanks!