Chuck and I were visiting Austin for the holidays. After sex, I was describing a fantasy that was going through my head. I was thinking it would be nice if we got to a point where Lovers Grove was popular enough that we could set up sacred lover work to do while traveling. Perhaps we'd have a discussion on our site ahead of time where people could openly describe some of the work they'd like to do. We could meet with a few people who had commented, and if things worked out, actually get together as sacred lovers.

"Why do we need to wait?" Chuck asked. He pointed out that we could go look at the personals on Craigslist and a couple of other places. We could start this immediately.

I had a fairly strong negative reaction. trawling Craigslist felt dirty. That couldn't be something sacred. I sat with my reaction and began to examine it. Thoughts like "Am I really that desperate for sex?" ran through my head.

Clearly this wasn't desperation; I was still recovering from an orgasm, lying next to one of my lovers. It became clear that we both had strong feelings and we began to talk about intent.

Intent

We were looking for someone who wanted to grow and to help them grow. Since we were having strong reactions to the idea of getting together with a stranger in a city we rarely visit, it's likely that anyone we met would be having reactions at least as strong. A good chunk of the growth on both sides would probably simply be working through the shame and fear inherent in the experience. We'd be saying to our selves and the lover we met that it can be sacred to have desires and to reach for them. If you want to be with a stranger, that's fine. If a stranger passing in the night can help you grow as a lover, there need not be shame in embracing that.

It was likely that anyone we met might discover at some point in the process that they weren't interested in such a hookup after all. There's huge growth in becoming comfortable with no as the answer.

The idea of meeting someone and helping them gain comfort in being open about their desires and working without shame to explore their desires thrilled me. I took joy in thinking of showing someone that even in that type of hookup they could be treated with dignity and respect; I would take joy in creating a safe space for vulnerability and openness. Yes, the thrill was sexual, but it was also the deep thrill of sharing the joy and wonder of the world with another.

We explored our feelings and found that we shared the intent.

You Can't Find Love on Craigslist

Of course just because something would be sacred and valuable if it worked out doesn't make it reasonable to explore. What's the probability that we'd find someone interested in growing? It's ridiculous to expect that you can find meaningful growth from an ad placed in a casual pickup forum, so it's ridiculous to try and provide that growth. I was wasting my time.

Fortunately, I'd seen this trap before. Whether I chose to act or not was a magical expression of my will. I want to live in a world where we encourage ourselves to strive to grow. I never want it to be silly to reach out there and openly state our desires. I never want it to be silly to desire to reach out and help others, no matter where they've shown the openness of their needs. Yeah, our probability of finding someone was low. However, I wanted to focus my magic behind the intent of making this work something valued rather than something even I would instinctively avoid. The search alone was important enough that it seemed worthwhile.

Differences from Lovers Grove

There would be differences between this work and how we plan to approach things in Lovers Grove. If we found someone, there would be safety concerns to work through. We hope to be able to do our own medical testing at Lovers Grove. We'll control the space and have better approaches to physical safety. Even so, the risks of meeting a stranger were easy to manage.

The Search

Chuck and I discussed and with great delight realized we were on the same page. Chuck and to a lesser extent I spent significant time looking over ads and profiles over the following few days. Very quickly we found an interesting match. She wanted to be topped by two men. She approached her desires with openness and joy. Chuck and I felt we both had a lot to bring to the situation. We believed we could help her understand the value of surprise and intent, help build confidence and strength.

Negotiations got reasonably far. We didn't end up meeting, probably in significant part because she found someone who was a prospect for a long-term relationship while we were talking.

Chuck and I grew from the experience. We found there are people out there we could help even in the constrained circumstances of a trip. We gained more experience in how we will approach our grove's work. We gained confidence and pride in what we're doing, facing down some of the lingering fears.

We were never told, but I think the experience was valuable for her as well. She learned that you can reach out and be met with respect and care. I hope that helps her as she approaches her new relationship.

There were a couple of other potentially interesting ads and profiles out there, but at least on this trip we did not end up getting together.

I'm proud of what we did. Part of me still thinks it's silly to be proud of trying to hook up with someone for a casual encounter. However, part of being a Sacred Lover is believing this work has value. I truly believe that; when I consider how growth can ripple, there's no question in my mind that touching people, helping them live in the strength of love is worthwhile.

Never Dirty

I'd like to close with one slightly related work. In the beginning of this post I talked about how it felt dirty. While I still run into shame when approaching sexuality, I reject that. I don't think it would have been dirty to approach a casual hookup so long as we were honest and respectful. Even if we had just wanted more sex, that would have been fine, although it might not have been grove work.

Of course rejecting that shame is all well and good, but it doesn't make the feelings go away instantly. Telling this story helps fight that shame.