What is sacred?
When I ponder the sacred, I'm typically pondering the wonder and joy of the universe, the cycle of life and love, finding the joy around me, and offering that back to my gods, rejoicing with them in love and wonder. The dictionary definition of sacred talks about setting something above the common. For me, it's more setting my interaction with the experience onto a higher level, living in the moment, appreciating with full intent and with as much of my being as I can bring to the experience. When I talk about sacred sexuality, I talk about using all the senses and symbols of the sexual experience to raise the experience to the sacred.
What does that have to do with playing with urine? For me, it turns out that I've learned a lot about what it means to be sacred, the power of magical intent and what it means to embrace the three truths. Even if you would never consider playing with pee, I hope that you can learn from the spiritual aspects of this journey.
This has been a journey of fear and overcoming fear. Even now, I'm afraid writing this article. I want to be respected as a priest and teacher of love. Will I drive people away? Will I be taken seriously? However, I've committed to using my energy to building Venus's temple, to building a world where we can celebrate love. If I'm honest about my experience, I'm directing my energy; I'm using my experience and the energy I expend to overcome my fear, working magic, moving the universe closer to a place where I don't have to be afraid.
An Initial Experiment
So, where did this all start? Well, I was curious because I'd never seen a woman pee. I'm blind, and while I'm sure that the Internet would set me up with all the videos, that just really doesn't help. My lovers' urethras didn't seem to be in consistent places, so I was unsure I had correctly identified their anatomy. I had been confused by some of the descriptions of problems women ran into trying to pee standing up without making a mess. While my life would have been complete without answering these questions, my lover created an opening discussing an experience she had with pee in the past. I built up my courage and asked her if I could explore her toilet and hold my hand against her mound while she peed.
For me, asking this question was a big deal. I've always been uncomfortable sharing my fantasies. While I was starting out with what amounted to a question about female anatomy, there was a deeper fantasy behind that. I'd been curious about exploring pee in a sexual context for a long time and never been willing to admit it to anyone. This particular secret fantasy had also gotten wound up in a discussion of sex magic between Venus and myself. Back when I was first considering exploring sex magic, I'd asked how I could bridge the chasm of trust enough to open up to sex magic work with a new lover. At the time of this discussion, I was relatively new to exploring her path and frightened by being that open. She showed me how some action could become a magical symbol to drive a larger change. Sharing my fantasy and seeing it received with respect and acceptance could, if I chose, drive me to be open for the greater vulnerability of working sex magic. Using magic to transform yourself isn't a way of side stepping hard questions like whether it's advisable to be open and vulnerable in a particular context. However, once I'm sure where I want to be, this kind of magic can be a great tool in getting there. As an aside, I ended up being open to sex magic well before sharing the pee fantasy, using an entirely different approach to prepare myself to be open.
As a result, there was a lot of magic tied up in being open with my lover about my fantasies. i didn't direct it towards preparing for sex magic. Instead I adopted a different intent and worked toward creating a space where this kind of sharing and exploration was welcome. So, there I am, kneeling on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, kneeling there in a somewhat magical space.
Actually, let's take a step even further back and explore my emotions and a root of my fantasies because they are about to shape what happens. When I got to university, I decided to read some porn: it was taboo, unthinkable in my previous life, and I was going to grab my new-found freedom for myself and make my own decision. One of the first stories I found was a story of two girls giggling and playing with each others' pee in the shower. They were free with their bodies, unashamed; there was respect and joy and loving fun in their actions. I can see how pee can be part of denigration, but that's not my primary association. I was deeply affected by this story because it was the opposite of what I'd been lead to expect from porn, destroyer of morality. Because it was one of my first experiences and because it was different than what I expected, that story probably significantly shaped my openness to sexuality as something we choose for ourselves.
so, I'm kneeling there in front of the toilet, my head filled with a vague sense of wonder, aware of the magic that we've created by choosing to be open. My hand extends between my lover's legs as she sits on the toilet. She begins.... At least, she tries to begin; it's hard; there are many taboos at work here. Eventually, a trickle, then as her nervousness yields to comfort, a stream. I'm holding her golden water in my hand. Actually, I have no idea what color it is, but it's warm, fragrant and pleasant. I explore the water and explore her. She's granted me a huge intimacy. At the physical level, she's invited me beyond barriers that we generally let no one pass; I'm part of the experience far more than a lack of shyness about whether the bathroom door is closed. However, at the magical and spiritual level there's an even deeper intimacy. I've been invited to see her not just as the beloved, but as life at a very primal level. Running through my hands is evidence of the cycle of life, love and sacrifice. Her pee is warmed by her metabolism. It balances the equation of the constant change that is living and growing; it carries away that which is left behind by change. At another level it carries the nitrogen that can be the building blocks for the next generation of protein—it returns that which she's done with to the greater equation. Just as my fantasy became a magical symbol for openness and exploration, her pee can be a magical symbol for change, the cycle, the cost of life (and thus love), and sacrifice. I can work my will on myself and on the universe by how I manipulate and regard this symbol. I choose to embrace it; if the future, the growth is sacred, what we're leaving behind, the price we pay should also be sacred. It balances after all; it is a cycle. I choose to regard the primal animal part of my lover with wonder, taking joy in the wonder of bodies and their physicality.
The experiment was a success. I feel connected with myself, my lover and the sacred. I feel validation that we can approach even the very physical aspects of ourselves as sacred. I've gained significant magical experience creating a space that shapes the experience I want to have. There is power in this work. Even the physical act of peeing on someone else is initially quite challenging; there are lots of taboos at work. As a result there's a significant potential for transformation working with those taboos and power.
Since then I've chosen to harness the power and continue to play in this space. I've worked with multiple lovers and had several powerful discussions. I don't think a sexual practice would be complete without solo work and I've explored that aspect of playing with pee too. I'd like to share a few additional stories to capture the pattern of the magic and the common elements of this transformation.
Surrender is Strength
I kneel in the shower, my back pressed up against my lover, pee running through my hair, marking me, soaking my body. As the stream slows, I turn to face my lover pressing my face against them, smelling them, tasting the tang of pee mixed with their excitement. I am strong. I am strong enough to give my surrender without reservations. anyone who would think me weak in this does not matter; I feel my power, my strength.
This experience helps me be fluid with my power. I do not need to be in control to have strength. There is powerful magic in separating surrender from weakness extending throughout my entire life with an impact well beyond sexuality. This experience and others like it build that magic.
Like a Child
All kids go through a phase where they are fascinated with pee. As parents we work with them to be appropriate and to establish social norms appropriate to their situation.
As adults, though, we have a lot more flexibility. Sadly, somewhere along the way, we tend to lose the playful nature of our children; things become serious. A lover suggested trying to reconnect with our playful side and winth that open wonder at our bodies and fascination with their functions. We put together a bed wetting scene to try and explore this.
It's really amazingly difficult to let loose and empty a full bladder into your bed, especially with someone else watching you. I wasn't really worried about damage to the bed; I'd dumped several glasses of water into it yesterday, and the mess management approach seemed up to the task. Eventually a few little spirts, and finally I was able to let go. Soon, we found ourselves splashing around in a warm, salty lake of our own making. We laughed, giggled, and began to explore each other. Two adults can hold a lot of pee. It was hot, and the orgasm surprisingly intense.
The magic of this experience ended up being about giving myself permissionn to play, permission to be silly and permission to accept my own body. The most persistent element has been a freedom to be delightfully playful during sex. That alone is an amazing gift.
Sharing an Experiment
I was discussing some of these experiences with a new lover. Playing with pee was very much not her thing, but our relationship included so much spiritual work that I felt it important to describe spiritually significant sexual experiences even if they didn't fit into what we would do. She described one frustrating experience where her lover had asked her to try and masturbate while trying to go to the bathroom to produce a more intense sexual experience
I was curious whether I'd have a better experience with that. It would be different; the anatomy and gender differences would affect things, but I was curious whether what she was trying didn't work for her or whether it just generally didn't work. My first impulse was to try the experiment after she left. However I realized that I was motivated by fear when I thought about what she would think and so I let her know what I was doing. Even though this was not her thing, she said she'd like to watch and participate.
It started out painful; all I could focus on was really needing to pee. I didn't have any of the fear that sometimes accompanies needing to pee badly enough that you're not sure you can control yourself; if I made a mess that wouldn't be a big deal. However, all the physical discomfort was there. I was nervous about whether I would connect with myself sexually; I was extra nervous doing this in front of someone else. I lay there as she touched and rubbed me. I played with myself and eventually a sexual element began to emerge. Slowly, my entire world became nothing but my sexual arousal combined with the pain of needing to pee. There was pain, but the pain had kind of gotten past really hurting and was just there. I even tried to pee; that felt good because I could just relax into the physicality and do whatever I liked. However, I was excited enough that it was anatomically impossible and ultimately frustrating. Eventually, there was nothing but my hand on my cock, her hand massaging my bladder and her hand playing alternatively with my nipple and ass. In that state, a bladder massage is one of the most intense experiences I've ever had. Not one of the most painful, but completely grabbing almost all my focus. My world collapsed to nothing but my physical and sexual needs and my lover there facilitating the experience. I've been to a similar place through more traditional BDSM scenes, but this was so primal, so primitive. The orgasm was wonderful; such a joyful connection with myself, with her. To be free in my primality. however I was still deeply in need of going to the bathroom. If I ever do something similar I'll want to find a way of bringing that release into the experience too.
At first, I wasn't sure that this experience had much of a magical impact. However my lover pointed out that being open to this sort of sexual experimentation was a important and new intent for her and for us. We were playing with our sexuality because there were specific things we wanted to learn and explore. However, we didn't damage the sacred connection in the process. Instead, we reinforced openness and an ability to share amongst each other. That ended up being powerful for us and looks like it's going to be an important transformation for me as well.
Conclusions
This journey has been much more about an exploration of magic and what is sacred than any sexual play. I chose to explore water sports because it was something that stretched my comfort enough to be a challenge, but not too much to get in the way of growth. It was an area where I could find sacred expression but where I had to stretch myself, my understanding of magic, and my understanding of the sacred to do so. My feelings, my intent, and those of my lovers were what made this a successful exploration for me. It's possible to explore similar magical experiences through different sexual experiences than I chose and even through non-sexual experience.
Others will doubtless find different ways to stretch their understanding. I'd be very interested in hearing about any thoughts that this article sparks or any explorations it sparks, either sexual or magical.