I wanted to be more intentional about my relationship with my vassal. As part of that, I wanted to be intentional about the things I value in that relationship. I'm sharing because while my relationship is deeply personal, watching the exercise may help others be more intentional.

Here are the ways my vassal builds me up:

• She is amazing at staying happy and finding the core of happiness in life. I over complicate things; I'm the one who plans everything. She's the one who reminds me that often that complexity is unnecessary. She reminds me to be happy, and it's mostly that simple.

• She supports me. She offers her strength and acceptance. Having someone believe in you is an awesome power. What a confidence boost.

• She gives me a space in which to have my own desires. She makes it safe over time to bring my fantasies out of the dark corners of my mind and bring them into the world.

• She showed me I could be a god. We call to the inner divinity in each other. We help each other go beyond this world.

• We share a sense of the sacred. For example sex is sacred to us. Yet doing something casual or light doesn't diminish the times when it is life-changing or powerful. Sacred is about finding the most you can out of an experience and celebrating what we find. Sacred doesn't mean stepping away from experiences because they somehow won't be good enough or allowing one experience to take away from another.

• Our view of the sacred extends beyond sex. We can find the sacred in the little adventures of life as well as the big rituals.

• She is responsive to me. There is power and liberation in our sexual connection. I know it is there; many of the common doubts people face in intimacy are things we simply don't have.

• We are responsive in other ways. We can share each others' joy and support each other through pain. Sometimes finding the blessing in this connection is difficult as we struggle to keep one person's fear from swamping the relationship. Yet the responsiveness also gives us the tools to work through that.

• There are so many ways in which she has given me the gift of her surrender. When I think about the changes she has made and the protocols she has adopted because she is mine, I am humbled. Giving your life to someone like that is one of the deepest forms of love imaginable. These have brought us together, and given us the power and trust to grow and face the challenges life has thrown our way. Ultimately the work of surrender teaches us that obstacles and limits we see are more mutable than we anticipate.

I cannot talk about our relationship without talking about our M/s dynamic. Here are some of the ways our dynamic feeds us:

• Being my vassal lets her do things she never thought she could. Sometimes it's because I ask her, and the desire to serve and please gives her strength. Sometimes my support matters. She can fall back on my protection when things get tough and sometimes that extra support makes things possible. Sometimes it's just that I can provide opportunities. Or perhaps it is what happens when we combine our strengths and work together.

• As her lord, I also achieve things I thought beyond reach. Being my vassal's lord is a huge responsibility. I need to know how far she can go even better than she does. Sometimes I ask her to take that extra step; sometimes I tell her to step back. Those decisions have consequences. I need to be my best for her. I need to challenge myself. I need to keep one step ahead. Of course that is only part of how I achieve those goals. We are also a team. Combining our strengths, we can do things together that we could not do alone. Neither of us could have manifested our house without the other.

• The responsibility of being her lord drives me to be my best. Whenever I fall short of who I could be, I know that it's not just me. As a leader and master, I need to be my best for those who look to me. Sometimes that gives me strength to do better than I might otherwise.