Join me in Love

Gratitude and Happiness

hartmans Sunday September 16, 2018
I’ve never been happier. Over the past year my wife and I have worked to figure out how we got here. Whatever the formula for success is, we want to keep it up.

We eventually came to the conclusion that willful gratitude is what has brought us this happiness. People have all sorts of ways of indicating happiness. You might smile, say “I’m happy!” or in the early stages of a relationship, squee with glee, “I love you!”

All too often, we don’t focus on those signs of happiness. We’re happy; things are going well. Why do we need to analyze and dissect our happiness?

Read more

A Job to Help the World find Connection, Empathy and Sexual Freedom

hartmans Sunday August 12, 2018
Debianhas always been filled with people who want to make the world a better place. We consider the social implications of our actions. Many are involved in work that focuses on changing the world. I’ been hesitant to think too closely about how that applies to me: I fear being powerless to bring about the world in which I would like to live.

Recently though, I've been taking the time to dream. One day my wife came home and told another story of how she’d helped a client reduce their pain and regain mobility. I was envious. Every day she advances her calling and brings happiness into the world, typically by reducing physical suffering. What would it be like for me to find a job where I helped advance my calling and create a world where love could be more celebrated. That seems such a far cry from writing code and working on software design every day. But if I don’t articulate what I want, I'll never find it.

I’ve been working to start this journey by acknowledging the ways in which I already bring love into the world. One of the most important lessons of Venus’s path is that to bring love into the world, you have to start by leading a life of love. At work I do this by being part of a strong team. We’re there helping each other grow, whether it is people trying entirely new jobs or struggling to challenge each other and do the best work we can. We have each other’s back when things outside of work mean we're not at our best. We pitch in together when the big deadlines approach.

I do not shove my personal life or my love and spirituality work in people’s faces, but I do not hide it. I'm there as a symbol and reminder that different is OK. Because I am open people have turned to me in some unusual situations and I have been able to invite compassion and connection into how people thought about challenges they faced.

This is the most basic—most critical love work. In doing this I’m already succeeding at bringing love into the world. Sometimes it is hard to believe that. Recently I have been daring to dream of a job in which the technology I created also helped bring love into the world.

I'd love to find a company that's approaching the world in a love-positive, sex-positive manner. And of course they need to have IT challenges big enough to hire someone who is world class at networking, security and cloud architecture. While I'd be willing to take a pay cut for the right job, I'd still need to be making a US senior engineer's salary.

Actually saying that is really hard. I feel vulnerable because I’m being honest about what I want. Also, it feels like I’m asking for the impossible.

Yet, the day after I started talking about this on Facebook, OkCupid posted a job for a senior engineer. That particular job would require moving to New York, something I want to avoid. Still, it was reassuring as a reminder that asking for what you want is the first step.

I doubt that will be the only such job. It's reasonable to assume that as we embrace new technologies like blockchains and continue to appreciate what the evolving web platform standards have to offer, there will be new opportunities. Yes, a lot of the adult-focused industries are filled with corruption and companies that use those who they touch. However, there's also room for approaching intimacy in a way that celebrates desire, connection, and all the facets of love.

And yes, I do think sexuality and desire are an important part of how I’d like to promote love. With platforms like Facebook, Amazon and Google, it's easier than ever for people to express themselves, to connect, and if they are willing to give up privacy, to try and reach out and create. Yet all of these platforms have increasingly restrictive rules about adult content. Sometimes it’s not even intentional censorship. My first post about this topic on Facebook was marked as spam probably because some friends suggested some businesses that I might want to look at. Those businesses were adult-focused and apparently even positive discussion of such businesses is now enough to trigger a presumption of spam.

If we aren't careful, we're going to push sex further out of our view and add to an ever-higher wall of shame and fear. Those who wish to abuse and hurt will find their spaces, but if we aren't careful to create spaces where sex can be celebrated alongside love, those seedier corners of the Internet will be all that explores sexuality. Because I'm willing to face the challenge of exploring sexuality in a positive, open way, I think I should: few enough people are.

I have no idea what this sort of work might look like. Perhaps someone will take on the real challenge of creating content platforms that are more decentralized and that let people choose how they want content filtered. Perhaps technology can be used to improve the safety of sex workers or eventually to fight shame associated with sex work. Several people have pointed out the value of cloud platforms in allowing people to host whatever service they would choose. Right now I’m at the stage of asking for what I want. I know I will learn from the exploration and grow stronger by understanding what is possible. And if it turns out that filling my every day life with love is the answer I get, then I’ll take joy in that. Another one of the important Venus lessons is celebrating desires even when they cannot be achieved.

Love Magic and Intent: a Wedding

hartmans Monday June 25, 2018
On June 2, I got married. Our wedding was everything I could have hoped for. I got to hold a goddess! and we showed our true, authentic selves to the people we most care about. They understood us and shared themselves with us. I truly choose to live in the best of all possible worlds.
I’d like to talk about how this came about, because that’s not where we started. I thought I was going to have to make huge compromises, so much so that I thought I’d have to do real work to appreciate the wedding I had rather than longing for the one I could not achieve. Instead, I got better at creating love magic.
Read more

Tools of Love

hartmans Wednesday February 14, 2018
I have been quiet lately. My life has been filled with gentle happiness, work, and less gentle wedding planning. How do you write about quiet happiness without sounding like the least contemplative aspects of Facebook? How do I share this part of the journey in a way that others can learn from? I was offering thanks the other day and was reminded of one of my early experiences at Fires of Venus. Someone was talking about how they were there working to do the spiritual work they needed in order to achieve their dream of opening a restaurant. I'll admit that when I thought of going to a multi-day retreat focused on spiritual connection to love, opening a restaurant had not been at the forefront of my mind. And yet, this was their dream, and surely dreams are the stuff of love. As they continued, they talked about finding self love deep enough to have the confidence to believe in dreams.

As I recalled this experience, I offered thanks for all the tools I've found to use as a lover. Every time I approach something with joy and awe, I gain new insight into the beauty of the world around us. In my work within the IETF I saw the beauty of the digital world we're working to create. Standing on sacred land, I can find the joy and love of nature and the moment.

I can share the joy I find and offer it to others. I've been mentoring someone at work. They're at a point where they're appreciating some of the great mysteries of computing like “Reflections on Trusting Trust” or two's compliment arithmetic. I’ve had the pleasure of watching their moments of discovery and also helping them understand the complex history in how we’ve built the digital world we have. Each moment of delight reinforces the idea that we live in a world where we expect to find this beauty and connect with it. Each experience reinforces the idea that we live in a world filled with things to love.

And so, I’ve turned even my experiences as a programmer into tools for teaching love and joy. I’ve been learning another new tool lately. I’ve been putting together the dance mix for my wedding. Between that and a project last year, I’ve learned a lot about music. I will never be a professional DJ or song producer. However, I have always found joy in music and dance, and I absolutely can be good enough to share that with my friends. I can be good enough to let music and rhythm be tools I use to tell stories and share joy. In learning skills and improving my ability with music, I better appreciate the music I hear.

The same is true with writing: both my work here and my fiction. I’m busy enough with other things that I am unlikely to even attempt writing as my livelihood. Even so, I have more tools for sharing the love I find and helping people find the love and joy in their world.

These are all just tools. Words and song won’t suddenly bring us all together any more than physical affection and our bodies. However, words, song, and the joy we find in each other and in the world we build can help us find connection and empathy. We can learn to see the love that is there between us. All these tools can help us be vulnerable and open together. And that—the changes we work within ourselves using these tools—can bring us to a path of love. And so how do I write about happiness? I give thanks for the things it allows me to explore. I find value in growing and trying new things. In my best moments, each seems a lens through which I can grow as a lover as I walk Venus’s path.

Spreading Love

hartmans Friday December 15, 2017
There's been a lot of joy lately. It's simple: I've offered connection, and it has been accepted. A number of times in the last two months I've had the joy of helping others find little bits of love and connection.
It's not one thing, just all over the place. I ran into someone I'd felt distant from for years. Something they said was uncomfortable to hear. Rather than maintaining the distance, I asked if we could talk about it. Turns out she'd been wanting to find a way to be heard differently ever since that incident. We ended up hugging, filled with connection.
Other times I reached out not really expecting a connection but was surprised that someone else met me in openness. It was beautiful.
I've had success disagreeing in a manner that builds connection. I was there and someone described their position and expected me to agree. I didn't. I did manage to hear them and to help them feel respected. Then, I shared where I was coming from. To my surprise, I was heard, and respected even though it was a different place.
These little moments of love are simple, but they are also pure. I'm reminded that being a Sacred Lover is first a calling to live a life of love. Ultimately, you cannot spread love without actually making it your own. I've been doing that.
That happiness and success is what I have to share now.

Surrender and the Goddess

hartmans Thursday November 2, 2017
In the last post, I talked about how my beloved and I have become closer to each other. Our work has also brought us closer to the divine. I've had critical breakthroughs in how I approach Venus and my own spirituality.
Of course this story is deeply personal. However, it is also a story of prayer answered, the deep love the gods have for us, and the long winding path that is growth as a lover. I hope you will find a deeper appreciation for the complexity that is spiritual growth and our struggle to find something bigger than ourselves. Perhaps you will be able to see important steps along your path as I talk about mine.

Long before I placed my collar around her neck, we talked about the role of spirituality and the divine in our surrender. She wasn't sure that she could surrender to me, but she could definitely surrender to the goddess and offer herself to me in getting closer to that. As she wrote:
>…to expand one's life to its divine edges, uplift the person exalting you and then surrender in love and trust to them knowing that you're actually surrendering to the Universe. Wow.
That resonated with me. Surrender offers the opportunity to strip away layers of self. As I accept surrender, we have the opportunity to examine each layer that we fold back. I can offer a mirror as together we focus on and honor each layer we strip away. It is a small step from that to honoring the goddess within. As the layers fall aside and we approach our core self, that mirror becomes a powerful tool for acknowledging and honoring the gift of the surrender.
Of course the mirror is two-way. As I accept someone's surrender, they offer me a view into myself.
When we surrender from strength, we can use this as an opportunity to reflect our strength, beauty and even the imminent deity within ourselves. The power of the experience gives us deeper connection both with ourselves and those involved in the experience.
And so our journey of surrender and possession became a spiritual journey too. We use the work we do to get closer to the divine.
Read more

Eo Hermes, How are you Old Man

hartmans Sunday October 15, 2017
At the Lovers Grove founding, I began to wear a leather cord with a shell for my vow as Sacred Lover and a caduceus to symbolize my vow as Sacred Messenger. This summer, I sweatted through the cord and so i needed to replace it.
The other day, I was preparing a new cord. As part of that, I did a small ritual to reconnect with my vows and to reaffirm them.
The Sacred Lover vow was easy. It's hard work, but it's work that calls to my core.
Facing the description of the Office of Sacred Messenger is hard. My stomach clenched when I re-read that page. The idea of being that open is frightening and unapproachable. I still value the work. I think soon, I'll even be back to a place where I could do the sort of sharing of stories of love with a big audience that calls for. I have no idea how to make that happen, and I don't think I alone am going to be able to change that.
Then, I read my personal messenger vow. Ah, yes, that's something I can do. I can write here, I can share with the people I run across. If something bigger comes along, I can face that, but that's probably not going to be something I just pull out of a hat.
Later, I was going to the gym and I found myself thinking of and calling to Hermes. I'm not the one who brought Hermes to Lovers Grove. I was just starting to get to know him when things blew up and I was left as the only one in the grove. I haven't been able to reach out to him since.
Finally, I was able to reach out this weekend. Typically i've found that pushing myself physically makes a good Hermes offering, and I did that. Didn't hear much back, but that's OK.
It was a time for me to say "I'm still here; I feel you out there. Here's where I am as a messenger; here's what I can do on my own. The rest, if you want to help with that, we need to talk."
Eo Hermes

Adventures in Surrender

hartmans Wednesday July 12, 2017
She sits across the table from me. She’s been talking about how all her money went on walk-about in a shopping spree in Florida that she wasn’t invited to. Eventually the bank will give it back after the fraud report is processed. But for now, she’s stressed and upset.

Months ago I said I wanted to possess her. We have played with it in the bedroom a bit. I’m developing confidence that she’s offering real surrender, not just a desire to hear certain words while we fuck. I realize that if she were mine, I could help her. What we’ve been talking about is big enough that I could offer real support through that dynamic. Well, no time like the present. There’s some danger that I’ll get slapped or make a bad situation worse, but if I’m right I can lend her strength through that possession.

“Mine,” I say. She asks me to repeat it with my hand on the back of her neck. It helps. She has offered enough of herself that claiming her is calming. In that moment I become sure that this is something wonderful and big. That moment will bring her to desire to wear my collar.

Writing about our journey is hard. It’s intimate because there’s no way I can pull out the part that is just my story. In writing I’m facing the familiar challenge of exposing my own vulnerability. But I’m also sharing the vulnerability of someone who is mine to protect. I’m sharing something sacred to us both.

Yet in our story, there is a bigger story that is important to share. Surrender is big, and it is important to try and share that bigness to help others along their path. I hope that people who have never played with this aspect of BDSM can better understand what is going on. More than that, surrender is a window to the vulnerability and connection that is at the core of love. Even if surrender is not a tool you would use, I hope you can gain another perspective on the heart of connection.

Read more

Hook Experience

hartmans Saturday July 1, 2017
A week ago I faced one of the most intense rituals of my life. In order to break through some of the spiritual walls that have plagued me for the last year, I joined a hook suspension ritual. The idea is that two large hooks will be run under the skin of your back and then you will be suspended from the hooks. As you might imagine, it's physically and emotionally intense, and in the right context that intensity can be very spiritual.
I'd like to share this note I wrote to the community discussing what a transformative experience it was.

I want to share my experience Saturday night. We have a wonderful tribe and I'd like to share exactly how amazing it is.


I came into this set of rituals confused and deaf. I haven't been able to hear my gods clearly. Venus has been trying to say something in my dreams but it hasn't been coming through. Connecting with fire has been spotty. There are big things in the future and I've found it challenging to prepare for them without deeper connection to the spiritual.

I am very uncomfortable with divination in general and oracles in particular. I think you should be very careful asking the universe a question: you might get an answer. Generally I've found it is far better to live in the moment than to be constrained by an answered question.

But I was stuck. So, when an oracle was offered at Friday ritual, i took advantage. I learned that to hear the spiritual easily, I needed to finish healing my own spirit from the pain of the last year. I'll admit that the “well duh” gong sounding with that realization was kind of loud and I’m sort of surprised that I didn’t hear it sooner. On the other hand, It’s easy to hope and believe that we’ve finished our healing: the healing is long and hard, and it’s disappointing to admit to ourselves that there is more ahead.

Further, the oracle suggested that I couldn’t always be driving my own work. I didn’t always need to be the one doing; I needed to trust in my community—I needed to be taken care of.


When I attended my first hook suspension I admired the courage of those who went through the ordeal. Back then, I thought it would be unlikely that I would need an experience so intensely physical . My trials seemed to involve finding the courage to be open and honest, not the physical ordeal that the primal rituals are best known for.

Yet when I heard that there would be hook suspensions Saturday, I immediately began to wonder whether it was my time. I needed something powerful enough to knock down the walls I built around my spirit. I needed something powerful enough that I could surrender to the community; something I could not face without letting go and trusting. Over the past couple of years I’ve been getting some strong messages of welcome and belonging from the tribe. I wanted a way of saying “I hear you; in my brain, breath, bone and blood I know that this is my fire.” Surrendering to the hooks would do all that.

Yet this would be a big step for me. I’ve only been suspended once; a very mild experience offered around the fire a couple years ago. I’ve only had one piercing scene before: I received a few 24-gauge needles on my front. A hook suspension is not really comparable to either of those. I had no comparison. I was jumping into the ocean; I knew it was bigger than my bath tub. I suspected I might need something that big.

So I meditated. By the time I was ready to go down to the fire I was reasonably sure that I needed hooks. The community considered my request and I was given a slot.

I submerge myself in the ritual. The ritual, the fire are beautiful. I dance and hold space. I am calm; I made my decision. I let go more and more. I lose track of where I am; I float between the fire and the drums. I lose track of the orientation of the circle: as some of the drummers moved, I lost track of which end was the drum pit and where in the circle I was. That’s only happened once before. The fire is hot. I continue to drift.

The Hooks Go In

I am called over to get ready. I lay on the table and the first hook goes in. It hurts; I don’t know that I could have taken it two years ago. Now, it is a pain I can breathe through. That first hook settles easily. Three breaths later, the second hook goes in. That hurts! It hurts a lot. And it does not stop hurting.

A couple minutes later it has sort of settled and I prepare to try and sit up. D is there to rig me. We’ve been together since the Temple of Flame. His voice, calmly and carefully walking someone through a scene that was very close to their limits, is one of the memories that typifies the strength of our tribe. I trust no one greater for this sort of experience.

I sit up and turned to my left. Holey fuck! That hurt a lot. As I moved, both hooks, but especially the left really start to hurt. Waves of dizziness roll through me. Wow, that hurts, I think. Fuck, I'm going to have to stand up, walk over to the rigging station, and then things are going to get a whole lot more intense. Hey, body, are we up for that? My body responds viscerally.

“Sam, you passed out for a bit.” Yeah, seems about right. Discontinuity in my sense of time. I don’t know how I got into this position. Hmm, soon someone is going to want to put a bunch of large meat hooks in my back. I’m already hurting. I don’t know if I can take that.

“Are you with us?”

“Yes. I’m safe.” I realize it’s true. There are the drums, I’m floating in their energy. I’m surrounded by my tribe. I am absolutely safe. I realize that at no point in this entire experience have I felt any significant fear.

Stop and think about that for a moment. I’m going from the experience of tiny needles and a simple rope suspension to hooks and possibly a suspension. I’m not afraid. I’m not even afraid when my body seems to be telling me that I’m asking too much of it. I’ve had hours to consider this upcoming experience and all I felt was nervousness.

And let me tell you that I’m not immune to fear. I know the mind-crippling fear that locks down your body. Again and again I have challenged my fear around the fire.

But for me, this time around the fire is about surrendering to trust, not fighting fear. We’ve built a spiritual container strong enough that I can face an experience this intense without fear. I know I’ll be safe. And as my body relaxes there on that table, even as the scene takes a turn for the unexpected, the trust and acceptance of my tribe fills me.

The medic tries to reassure me that “Yes, you are safe.” She’s funny. The safety and trust are so intrinsic that her reassurance is meaningless. I’m letting her know that I’m in my scene, in a good place, and I’ve returned from passing out to a very wonderful sub space.

I fade in and out a bit more. Eventually, I regain enough verbal acuity to ask for help. “I’m not sure if I can take going up. Standing up and walking to the rigging station seems like it’s going to be a lot. How should we make that decision?”

“O, I don’t think going up tonight would be a good idea.” She goes on. She then tries to reassure me that I can try and go up some other time; I did what I could that evening. I laugh and explain. Flying was not my desire. I wanted to release my spirit to the cosmos. I wanted to take down the walls. I wanted to surrender to tribe. Flying was only a tool. All that has happened without that tool. I got the ordeal I needed. The ritual was already a success, and I was happy to rely on her recommendation. If flying is in the cards some day, so be it, but that shall be a ritual for its own reasons, not a completion of this.

The hooks were removed and I made a few rounds around the fire to celebrate trust and surrender.


I am honored to be part of our community. I am honored to help bring people to the fire, to provide encouragement, and to provide care when needed. There are many who strive for flash or show around the fire. That was not my role, not even this time. I’m there to find the simplest path to where I’m going and to help everyone believe that this is their fire. I’m there to help people see that the fire is for them listening to the drums and watching from the side with intent. I’m there to say that the fire is for those of us giving our energy to the dance and holding space no matter our level of skill or flash. Saturday I was there to say that the fire, the ritual is ours, even when we face the unexpected. So long as we bring what openness we can, so long as we bring our intent, this is our fire.

Give Thanks!

A Community Safe for tops and bottoms

hartmans Wednesday June 28, 2017
I have an excellent opportunity to explore a consent discussion when
everything worked out in the end. I hope that you will join me in
exploring and learning from this issue in a situation where we have a
bit more room to speak without our voices being drowned by the feelings
of those we would like to communicate with. Even though this is a
situation where things worked out, and we have a bit more room, real
people and real feelings are involved. I ask for your respect as I

I've always wanted to try ear plugs in a scene. Because I'm blind I was
thinking that it might offer some of the same vulnerability that a
blindfold offers someone else.

I was working with someone I trusted and I decided to go for that. We
set up a sensation scene combining flogging, other forms of impact,
sensation play, tickling and other elements. It was sexy, although
ended up not having much of a sexual component, besides some genital contact. We were working to keep me fully in my body, fully in
the moment. We were working to play with vulnerability in a safe space.

I wore earplugs that significantly dampened sound. There was reasonably
loud music playing. I could hear talking and often make out words, but
my top said he planned not to talk at all during the scene. I could not
hear people moving around me. When they were not touching me, they
almost completely disappeared from my awareness.

The scene was great. Some parts were intense, but mostly I flowed from
one moment to the next, unable to predict what was going on. One
surprise stood out above all others. At some point in the scene, I
realized that there were more than two hands on me and more going on
than one person could account for. My top had invited others to join
our scene. This was not negotiated.

Read more

Join the Conversation

To comment or contribute you can register for a free account or login with Facebook.