I turned 50 recently. I had a party; it was one of the best moments in my life so far. When I told a friend how much it meant to me, they wondered whether I needed to raise the bar on what I valued. How could a party be up there with collaring my vassal, my initiation as a priest, or my awakening as a lover? Let me tell you.

My goal

I wanted to create an intentional play space where we could center the meaning behind our scenes and intimacy and actually share that with our audience—those witnessing what we did. I wanted to create a space where we could feel comfortable opening some of the deeper aspects of our BDSM dynamics up in front of a community who could appreciate the hard work and deep connection that went into building those dynamics. And for my birthday I wanted to create a space where I could participate more fully as someone who is blind.

In a typical play party, there is a bubble around a scene: you do not talk or interact with those in a scene without being invited to do so. I changed the rules a bit. People were encouraged to explain what they were doing and why it was significant. Banter between the witnesses and the scene was permitted, at least by default. Asking questions about what was going on and describing what was happening was permitted.

These changes required trust between the scene participants and the witnesses. Making a judgment or injecting the wrong emotions into a scene can be disruptive. I hoped that by sharing the intent behind the scene and inviting witnesses to actively support that intent, we could build that trust and build a space for safe vulnerability.

Our success

We succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I am aware of three “challenge scenes” where people pushed themselves and their partners to grow, celebrating their success with their witnesses. These were real challenges, not performances: not everything went according to plan. The witnesses helped hold space and showed they valued the hard work people were putting in.

People also brought the joy in their dynamics into the space. There were pets running around with handlers having all sorts of fun. There was even a cooking scene where people shared the importance of food in their time together. The banter and interaction between scenes was beautiful. As I was working with someone challenging them to feel comfortable with their desires, we had great fun with the scene next to us. It felt connected—it felt wonderful.

Toward the end of the event a couple came to my vassal and me and talked about how they were considering doing a collaring ceremony. They had been in a relationship for 11 years, but up until that day had been uncomfortable accepting the Master/slave label because their relationship did not look like other people’s Master/slave. That day they decided it didn’t matter: it was their kind of Master/slave. They were considering claiming that in front of community with a collar. We encouraged them, showed that we valued the importance of that collar, and so they trusted our space to claim their new understanding of their relationship. They trusted our community to be the place where they made that claim. I felt so honored and blessed to be able to create space for that!

The Elements of Success

My spiritual commitment is to show that love and intimacy are skills we can teach and learn. Parties like this do not just happen: We make things like that happen intentionally. Everyone contributed.

1) I set an intention, worked to bring people together who supported that intention, and through work we have done at Dynamic Focus and MAsT worked to gain a shared appreciation of the hard work that goes into all aspects of our dynamics.

2) Scene participants trusted the space and brought their authentic selves into the space. They brought both their growth and celebration into the space.

3) Witnesses validated the trust of the scene participants. They showed they understood the deeper levels. They understood the growth going on and the deep connection symbolized by protocols on display. They acknowledged the vulnerability of the authenticity people showed.

My Vulnerability

Putting this together was not easy for me. When I first brought up the idea with my vassal, she asked me if I would still be happy if people just sat around our kitchen table and talked. I brought up the idea with another trusted friend. They expressed skepticism that I would manage to create a space where people actually played. I almost gave up.

It is hard to put your heart into things and learn that your values do not line up with those around you. I tried something similar for my 40th birthday. I did manage to turn that experience into a success, but it was hard. I did not have enough kinky friends to pull it off. Friction between people involved almost overshadowed the event.

It is hard when you reach out for community and find there is none. I tried to host a house warming after that 40th birthday party and only four people came. The house warming my vassal and I hosted after we moved in together was even more lightly attended. When Manifest House had its house warming, I was so delighted that people showed up. We were shiny and new in the community then. But this time we were competing with all the BDSM events around in Denver. Would people value the sort of intentional, authentic space we were creating enough to spend their time with us?

I wanted to succeed, but the fear that I would put in a lot of energy and no one would care made it hard to invest in my idea. Eventually I concluded that yes, I would be happy if I created space and people spent the evening talking around our kitchen table. It was important to me as a Sacred Lover to create the space. If what people needed was talk and that sort of connection then I would be delighted to meet that need. And so I moved forward with the idea.

I was met with excitement and interest. By the end of the meeting where I first floated the idea, people were already talking about scenes they would like. It felt so wonderful. People valued the kind of intimacy and connection that I had vowed to create. I guess that’s another teachable moment: every time we are able to let people know we see them putting their heart into their work and will join them, we fan the flames of their passion. We make it easier for them to do that work and carry on.

Thank you all for joining in making something wonderful.