Writing about Sex


When I want to grow as a computer programmer, I can turn to the many stories and experiences other computer programmers have shared. I can ask and discuss being a computer programmer at length. When I want to grow as a lover, I don't have that option. I write about sex because I want to live in a world where we have that option, where we're proud to be lovers and where we feel comfortable and safe to share our experiences as lovers and learn from each other. By writing openly, by accepting vulnerability, I hope to help create that world.

We do have a few options for growing as lovers, but they are more limited than the options we have in many other areas. We can read about sex either by reading porn, how-to books, or scholarly works. We can watch porn. My lovers have reported asking specific questions like advice on how to give a blow job from friends they trust. If we have a more experienced lover, we can learn from them. Finally, we can experiment.

However, it's rare that a lover will be open about their experience enough for me to gain a better idea of the overall impact on their life. It's rare I'll learn how an experience worked, how they feel, how it impacted their life and connection, and the background behind the experience for them. It's very rare that we get to talk to people as lovers when they are not our lovers.

I want to be part of changing that with my writing. I want to tell my story as a lover. I want to show how I integrate being a lover into the whole of my life, showing how it's an important aspect of who I am, while also showing how Sam-as-lover enhances and is enhanced by the whole Sam-as-person. I want to tell stories like how I've used sex magic for healing and growth, showing how it fits into the surrounding context enough that someone might learn whether something like that could work for them. I want to use sexuality is examples in broader spiritual stories because it is sacred and I hope we will choose to embrace that as we embrace other stories of growth. I hope to create a space in which others will feel comfortable to tell as much of their story as they desire.

This is hard.

It's hard because I'm sometimes afraid to be that open.

It's hard because I do want my work to be welcoming to readers. Many people aren't as comfortable being open about sexuality as I am. I'm not writing erotica and graphic descriptions drive people I'd like to reach away. On the other hand, it's hard because sex should be sexy. Being hot and arousing is one of the things I embrace when embracing sexuality. Showing that a hot sexy experience is hot is an important part of the story. I try to balance this, showing when I find things hot without being so explicit that I'm asking the reader to have a sexual experience of their own reading my story. They're welcome to go there if they like, but I hope that they'll need to do the work of turning my story into their sexual experience rather than having that thrown in their face.

It's hard because I'm trying to tell my story, but sex is often more than one person's experience. I want to respect the privacy of my lovers. Part of that is focusing on my feelings and part of the story, rather than trying to tell the whole sexual experience. Part of that is treating the whole story with respect and care. Part of it is being open up front that I do tell these stories and listening to the feelings and needs of my lovers.

It's hard because each lover, each combination of lovers is new and different. I can tell my story, but even if my reader is doing something similar, they will have their own experience and will have to learn lessons I've learned for themselves. We are open to different things, we value different things. However, we're not that different and I firmly believe that we can learn from each other as lovers; we need not each explore sexuality as a wilderness disjoint from the wonder and joy that others have mapped before. I don't know that my writings have touched anyone in this way, but I know that through watching my exploration others have challenged themselves and grown. I know for myself, I've grown from what I've read, what I've learned, and what I've seen happen.

So, I write, bringing my intent behind that growth, hoping that together as lovers, we can shine brightly.