And Sometimes there is just Questions

Much of what I write here is about conclusions I've reached or things I've learned. Sometimes, however, exploring love is not that simple and you're left only with questions.

I attended Dark Odyssey Summerfest, a BDSM/spirituality event. Saturday evening was the biggest Primal Arts ritual of the year: defeating the enemy of love. Why didn't I go? More than that, why didn't I even want to go? Part of the answer may be that I'm not really aware of things I need to cast out that are holding me back from my exploration of love. So, I didn't need to do that work myself. Why didn't the idea of going to hold space for others and to support those going through the ritual even occur to me until I went to bed after the ritual had concluded? I've totally held space at fires at this site, even explicitly been there to hold space at Primal Arts rituals. When it did occur to me, why did I feel that that was not my place? Interestingly, I did ask someone if they wanted me to support them in the ritual. Had they said yes, I would have tried to rearrange my schedule. So, supporting a specific person is more important to me than whatever my concern was.

In a broader scope, what's the answer to the closing ritual at Fires of Venus 2012? What is the next step after you've empowered the community to keep the temple of love? Part of that step is things like Primal Arts: people find ways to help others connect with themselves and love. However, what does the community of keepers do to grow, to share? Once you're started on the path, how do you build up and continue? Why does this question naturally follow from those in the last paragraph? I at least have some hint to the last.

Unrelated to the ritual, I found myself exploring my connection with BDSM events. I see people meeting each other for the first time, making connections and exploring play and sexuality together. Why do I seem unapproachable in that way? I used to wonder whether I was undesirable or unattractive; I don't think that's the answer though. Why do I want to be approached that way? Why do I think I want to explore that sort of promiscuity? do I actually? Am I distancing myself in some way? If so, why and how? Interestingly, I have no questions about what I'd do if approached; I know my limits and how I'd approach the negotiations.

Why am i not approaching others? Well, in one instance over this event, I did, but why not more frequently? I do approach people on online sites, but not so much in person. What can I learn about the previous paragraph thinking about how I approach others? Am I afraid? Of what? Do I need something in order to know that I want to approach someone I find hard to obtain in initial personal interactions?

I'm not asking these questions here in hopes that someone else can answer them; I'm writing to give a window into another common aspect of spiritual growth. Yeah, sometimes growing is just filled with lots of questions to ponder and explore.